Written by Matthew Shandro, Registered Psychologist
Well, I hate to break it to you, you probably are, and saying you are not is being defensive. Defensiveness is a topic that comes up frequently in my therapy sessions; whether working with individuals, couples, or families. So, I thought why not write a blog post about it! You can choose not to read this, but just know that not reading this could be an example of defensiveness in the form of avoidance.
What is it?
The root word defence, can be defined as the act of protecting someone or something from attack, danger, harm, or criticism. In sports, it is the action of protecting oneself, one's goal, or one's allotted part of the playing area against an opponent's attacks. From the psychological perspective, defensiveness can be looked at as a behavioral response where a person tries to protect their ego, identity, or self-esteem from a perceived attack, criticism, blame, or threat. Defensiveness is a good thing if one is truly being attacked, but less desirable in other circumstances. Imagine someone attempting to punch you in the face. If this were the case it would be wise to defend yourself by trying to block the punch or duck to get out of the way. You would also be unlikely to win at many games or sports if you did not try to impede or defend against your opponent’s attack. But relationships are not sporting events, and approaching them as such will likely cause problems. Relationships work best when they are approached from common ground (same team) with both parties working towards mutual goals, with a win/win mindset. If they are approached competitively (win/lose), it is likely that both people will ultimately lose in the end.
Defense doesn’t win championships in relationships.
Going back to the psychological definition, it is important to make the distinction between an attack and a perceived attack. It is common to perceive something as an attack subjectively that is not an attack objectively. And, if we end up perceiving something as an attack that is not, we are more likely to respond in a defensive way. Take this domestic example of someone asking you to clean up a mess you left in the kitchen. “Can you please clean up your dirty dishes?” This is not an attack, but can be perceived as one. Our minds can get carried away with the message behind the request, and if the person who is being asked to clean has been working hard on other things all day, or is feeling underappreciated, it is not difficult to imagine a defensive response to this request. Take another example of someone sharing their feelings about their partner or friend forgetting their birthday. “I feel hurt, sad, and angry that you did not acknowledge my birthday”. In this case a defensive response might come up in which the birthday forgetter justifies the reasons they did not acknowledge the birthday, or lists similar instances in which the hurt party has done something similar in the past. Justifying or explaining behaviour without being asked, or going on the offense by bringing up your own grievances are both examples of defensiveness that are best to avoid in these interactions. Imagine another scenario in which a child lets a parent know that they felt emotionally unsupported at a critical time in their life. Tough message to hear, and not hard to imagine some of the more common defensive responses that could come up in this interaction. “I did the best I could”, “what about the time when I did…”, or “at least I was there!” It is beyond the scope of this post, but of course the words chosen when expressing a want, need, or emotional matter can reduce or increase the likelihood of a defensive response. If the message given is “you are a disgusting slob, and you never clean up after yourself”, it is much more likely to bring up a defensive or combative response. But, even when the message includes attacking language, generalizations, exaggerations, or perceived untruths, we can still choose and benefit from less defensive responses.
Relationship experts, John and Julie Gottman highlight the following 5 typical defensive responses:
Denial: Claiming an event didn't happen or saying, "That's not true"
Making Excuses: Blaming external circumstances or someone else, "I was too busy"
Counterattacking: Pointing out the other person's flaws, “Well, you do it too"
Playing the Victim: Claiming righteous indignation, or using guilt inducement, "I guess I'm just terrible at everything"
Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the interaction, or shutting down emotionally, and refusing to engage.
In the spirit of not being defensive, think about which of these responses you tend to engage in when feeling attacked in communication with others. It is sometimes easier to point out the errors of other people than our own challenges, but seriously consider your own typical defensive responses, and your own areas for growth and change.
If these are not enough to ponder, you can dig deeper by learning more about psychological defence mechanisms. These can be defined as unconscious or conscious strategies the ego uses to protect itself from anxiety, internal conflict, and uncomfortable emotions. Again, a little beyond the scope of this post, but some of the more common defence mechanisms include repression, avoidance, projection, displacement, intellectualization, dissociation, and humour. Some of these are considered healthier, mature, or more adaptive, but they still may cause issues. Take humour as an example, it can be a healthy and welcome defence at times, but too much of it can prevent more authentic or vulnerable communication.
What to do about it?
In order to limit our defensiveness, it is helpful to be mindful of the multitude of ways defensiveness can come up and the purposes it can serve. During challenging conversations (which are frequent in therapy) reminding ourselves “don’t be defensive” can be a helpful cue. Asking ourselves the question about whether something is an attack or more of a perceived attack is also helpful. In the birthday example there is not an attack there, but we may hear it as such through personal filters. There may be a context in this situation, but in this example the partner has not made a statement related to how good a person the forgetter is. In fact, they have not made any judgment whatsoever, all they have done is share their feelings about an objective fact. Which in case you were wondering is a frequently cited and recommended way to raise issues of concern (look up “I feel statements” if you want more info on this). If a message of judgment is being received that it is not there objectively it may be coming from within, from previous experiences, or other relationships. If you hear criticism or negative judgment when others don’t, it is worth looking inward and doing some reflection about why things are being perceived this way as this can lead to defending oneself when it is not necessary or productive.
What does a non-defensive response sound like?
I encourage people to acknowledge the feelings of the other person, validate their position, and take responsibility where appropriate. I normally discourage people from explaining themselves or justifying their actions unless asked to do so. With the examples given, this could sound something like: “thanks for letting me know, or I understand how that would make you feel this way”. The opposite of defensiveness could be best described as openness and curiosity. So, leaning into the conversation in an empathetic way, and asking more questions about how the other is feeling would also likely be helpful. Really lean in and place yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand their perspective. If you are struggling to do this, ask more questions to help increase your understanding so you can. Put on your Sherlock Holmes hat! Remember nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes, but saying this out loud during times of conflict may come across as dismissive. If you are really struggling to do this, it could be connected to the other person’s delivery (and you could look up complaints versus criticism, emotional bank account, or Gottman’s magic ratio for more information), but since this post is about not being defensive, I want to focus on what you can do to defend against defensiveness. Consider what part of the problem belongs to you, as that is what is in your control.
Where is your work?
This is a very personal question, and something worth reflecting more about. For example, an area of work could be related to self esteem, as feeling poorly about yourself can make it more difficult to truly hear or consider complaints or negative feedback. If you do not feel like you are good enough inside, you may hear complaints as confirmation of this negative view of self. In his book The Untethered Soul, Michael A. Singer talks about letting go of the ego and claims that conflict dissolves when you stop identifying with your inner voice (the ego) and instead witness or observe thoughts and emotions without resisting them. If we stand outside of ourselves and look at our problems as a less partial observer this can provide increased clarity. As already mentioned, viewing or approaching problems as members of the same team can help. There is a lot more to say about all of this and a lot of nuance to the points I am trying to make here. One thing to emphasize is we are all individuals with our own histories, that can make approaching conflict in a less defensive way more or less challenging. Therapy is one way to help people to become more open, curious, and less defensive in their communication. Having a third-party present is an additional way to help navigate these challenges in a different and hopefully more productive way. I hope this blog post has been clear and helpful, but if the feedback proves otherwise I aim to welcome conversation about it in an open, curious and non-defensive way. My hope would be that in approaching feedback in this way, we can continue to learn and grow in these areas together.
We’d be happy to go through some of your work with you and help however we can! Email takecare@strathearnpsychology.com to schedule an appointment.