Disney did us dirty. Debunking myths and false hopes of long-term relationships.

“If it’s meant to be, it shouldn’t be this hard”

Written by Naomi Mitchell, Registered Psychologist

How many of us have struggled with this thought or shared this as a statement to friends when discussing our relationships?

If our relationships were shaped by Disney movies, romance novels with a HEA (Happily Ever After), love would arrive in our lives fully formed, misunderstandings would last no longer than a three-minute musical or one chapter of a novel, and once the credits rolls or the book was finished, conflict would disappear forever. The couple memorialized as perfect in the end.

But real relationships don’t end with a happily ever after, they BEGIN there.

One of the more persistent and damaging myths we encounter in therapy is the belief that relationships should be easy, natural, and happy or it was not meant to be. This idea has been deeply embedded in stories, movies, nostalgia, romance tropes, and social media soundbites. It’s Victoria and David Beckham dancing in their kitchen during their Netflix documentary. While comforting and hopeful on the surface, these snapshots or moments, set us regular folk up for shame, disconnection, and premature endings to relationships that may otherwise grow. Case and point: the ‘ick’ trend, search it up. 

Let’s talk about why this myth is misleading and what a healthy relationship with effort can look like and why therapy works to support relationship speedbumps.

The Disney Myth: Love as destiny, Not an everyday Practice

Disney didn’t fail us by telling stories about love. It failed us by ending the stories too early.

The narrative arc is familiar: two people meet, obstacles arise, love conquers them all, and then the story just STOPS. It stops before the real work begins in communication, compromise, understanding, rupture & repairs, and GROWTH together, not apart.

Social media and well-meaning friends & family, reinforce the idea like:

• “The right person won’t trigger you.”

• “Real love feels easy.”

• “If you're struggling, you are with the wrong person, you will find the right one when the time is right.”

These messages blur an important distinction: effort is not the same as dysfunction.

From a psychological perspective, effort is not a red flag (check out Flag guy @dustinpoynter) it is an expectation.

Decades of relationship research show that all long-term relationships involve stress, misattunement, and repair. According to John and Julie Gottman, conflict itself is not predictive of relationship failure; rather, it is how couples respond and move through conflict that matters (Gottman & Gottman, 2017).

In fact, the Gottman Institute estimates that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual, meaning they stem from enduring differences in personality, values, or needs- aka not solvable or fixable problems. Healthy couples don’t eliminate these differences; they learn how to navigate them with respect and care.

When we believe relationships should be effortless, we often interpret normal relational challenges as signs that something is wrong. This can lead to:

• Avoidance of difficult conversations

• Escalation of resentment or contempt

• Fear of repair after conflict

• Disengagement or withdrawal

In other words, the myth does not protect the relationship, it acts as a background virus, slowly killing the relationship.

HEA’s undermine repair and growth

One of the harmful consequences of the happily ever after is what it does after conflict. 

If we believe ‘real love doesn’t struggle’, then moments of rupture can feel CATASTROPHIC. Instead of asking, “How do we repair this?” people may think:

• We shouldn’t be fighting like this.

• Maybe we are not compatible.

• This should not be so hard

• Why are we always fighting, this is not right

Research consistently shows that repair- not avoidance or attacking- is central to relational health. Emotional repair includes taking responsibility, expressing vulnerability, and re-establishing safety after disconnection (Johnson, 2019).

Yet social media often frames struggles as a warning sign rather than an invitation to deepen understanding. This discourages people from staying present long enough to experience growth. *Disclaimer: do not discount that some relationships are unhealthy and you do not need to endure situations that harm physically, emotionally or sexually. 

What is Healthy Effort then? What does it look like?

Healthy effort does not mean constant struggle, emotional exhaustion, or self-abandonment. It does not mean staying in relationships that are unsafe or harmful.

Instead, healthy effort looks like: curiosity instead of certainty, repair after rupture, emotional responsibility, and mutual responsiveness. This is where therapy helps!!

Attachment research supports this reframing. Secure relationships are not defined by the absence of conflict, but by the presence of repair, responsiveness, and emotional availability (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).

In other words, secure love is not effortless, IT IS INTENTIONAL.

Why do the myths, memes, stories, and narratives still exist?!?!

The idea that love should be easy offers relief from uncertainty. It promises clarity in a complex, overwhelming, and overstimulating world.

However, human relationships are shaped by past attachment experiences, stress, trauma, and life transitions, cultural expectations, and nervous system responses.

Difficulty does not mean failure…….it often means something important is trying to be understood.

As psychologist Esther Perel notes, modern relationships are expected to meet needs once fulfilled by entire communities: intimacy, security, passion, companionship, and meaning. That is a tall order for any relationship (Perel, 2017).

It is time for us to re-write the ending

Perhaps the real issue is not that relationships are hard, but that we were never taught what healthy hard looks like.

Disney and HEA’s taught us to fall in love.

Psychology and therapy teaches us how to stay. How to be aware, create boundaries, and increase our growth.

When we release the myths or expectations that love should be effortless, we make room for something far more sustainable: relationships that evolve, repair, and deepen over time.

If your relationship feels challenging at times, it does not mean you have failed or chosen wrong. It may mean you are encountering the part of the story where growth happens.

Therapy can Help! Seeing a psychologist who works with couples and is grounded in evidence-based therapeutic support, can help separate common relationship myths from what actually creates a meaningful, lasting change. Rather than assigning blame or offering quick fixes, the therapist supports couples in understanding the patterns that keep them stuck, emotions that drive those patterns, and the skills needed to repair and reconnect. Through approaches supported by research, couples learn to communicate effectively, respond to one another with greater empathy, and build trust in ways that align with their values and lived realities- not unrealistic expectations of what relationships “should” look like. 

References

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7-26.

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Publications.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2010). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Publications.

Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity-A book for anyone who has ever loved. Hachette UK.