Men’s Mental Health Month

Men’s Mental Health: Taming Anger with Tenderness

Written by Christopher Lee, Registered Provisional Psychologist

As the calendar flips to November, it's a stark reminder of the inevitable. Cooler days and shorter nights. The warmth of the sun, longer nights, and campfires begin to fade like a distant memory. Although these shifts may signal a forecast that seems grey and bleak, at Strathearn Psychology we believe this is the perfect opportunity to align with the broader Movember movement which seeks to raise awareness for men’s health issues like cancer, mental health and suicide prevention. 

The Flickers and Flames of Anger

One aspect of men’s mental health that’s worth our attention is the emotion of anger. Now I’m not sure what comes up for you when you hear or see that word, but for me it certainly has a negative connotation. 

A fist-sized hole in the door, covered by a cartoon sticker. Yelling. Shouting. Screaming. Tears. And at times, silence. Ice cold silence. 

Sometimes anger looks like a roaring campfire, full of thrashing, erratic energy. Sometimes it sounds like the quiet hiss when the flames are doused, and the ashes exhale an orange undertone. A subtle glow that persists until it finally cools off into coal. 

For many of us we recognize the destructiveness that can quickly intensify when frustration boils over into anger. Perhaps we can recall how it manifests in those around us. We might picture our father, or mother. A relative. A sibling. A friend. Perhaps we've purposely forgotten. 

Whether we are reminded of others or even of ourselves, I'm sure we can agree on how ugly anger can be. A reaction that seems relieving can actually leave us feeling deflated. Sometimes hurtful words get thrown around in ways in which we didn't mean and we inflict more pain on the other person than we had anticipated. The recoil knocks us back and we may feel embarrassed and disappointed in ourselves. Thus, we might vow to tame the beast of anger to ensure that it stays calm and quiet. 

Fighting the Fire

However, well-intentioned actions can sometimes cause more harm than good. In effect, we learn to suppress any hint of annoyance or frustration. We shrug off the faint embers of anger and embody a stoic stance. While silencing the emotions may seem safer, the quiet simmer persists. It's like minimizing an application on our desktop. The application window disappears out of our focus, yet it still passively consumes our resources, running in our taskbar or dock. 

Ultimately, the anger festers and the pressure builds. At times it comes out as a snappiness, like the lid of a boiling pot popping ajar. Most often, it leaks through the smallest cracks as passive

aggressiveness, sarcastic quips, and subtle jabs. Sometimes in a mumble or an exasperated sigh we express our feelings just audible enough for the other person to hear—indirect communication at its finest. Like poison, it can infect and slowly cause fractures in our relationships. Worse yet, after prolonged suppression the anger turns frigid. The cold shoulder. The silent treatment. Deepening a chasm in our relationships. 

The anger freezes over into resentment and bitterness, which also burns. 

Attending to the Fire

Just as openly expressing anger can damage our relationships, suppressing it can do the same—only in a more covert way.

One way to address the harm that can arise from both forms of expression is to restructure our relationship with anger. Rather than labelling it as bad and blocking it out, a posture of warmth and tenderness can be more helpful. 

The emotion of anger is normal and arises to provide us with important information. Often it alerts us to pain, other difficult emotions, or unfairness. It's the natural response of our defence to protect ourselves when the opposing team encroaches on our territory. Pushing the puck or ball forward and attacking eases the pressure. 

Essentially, bringing more awareness to the first flickers of anger is the first step. To understand how it shows up for us, not just rationally in our minds but in our whole being. 

What does frustration or annoyance feel like for you, if you could really slow down and listen to your body? 

If you think back to some of your favourite childhood cartoons, like the Looney Tunes and recall Elmer Fudd and how he somehow always manages to injure himself in his quest to hunt down Bugs Bunny, you may remember how his anger is illustrated. Red-faced, shoulders pulled up, with clenched fists. Playfully, angry cartoon characters are often shown with a steaming head or heat shooting out of their ears. 

In a similar way, anger may show up for us as warmth and tension in our body. When you really slow down and take notice you may sense a tight chest, a rapid heartbeat, maybe even some trembling. If putting words to your bodily sensations seems impossible, that's perfectly normal too. Continue to practice patience with yourself. This may be totally new, so it makes sense if it is challenging. Tuning into your body is hard because the physiological responses happen almost instantaneously. 

It's like I'm asking you to describe how you breathe. You might shrug your shoulders and say it just happens. Yet, if you slow down, focus and really break it down, it's possible to identify the tiny steps. Similarly, identifying the sensations in your body becomes easier.

Containing the Fire with Curiosity

Once you can start to identify the signs of anger we can begin to transform our relationship with it. This happens when we shift towards curiosity rather than being critical of ourselves for feeling the emotion. Criticism leads to suppression while curiosity leads to surfacing. 

Criticism tends to close, while curiosity tends to open.

In other words, try to hold the feelings and sensations of anger a little bit longer until it becomes unbearable, rather than avoiding, distracting or numbing to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings. As anger is given some room to breathe and it's met with tenderness and warmth, you may begin to understand what it's trying to tell you. Perhaps it points to a wound. An injustice. Or, other difficult emotions may be uncovered, such as sadness, fear, envy or shame.  

If the feelings become too overwhelming, do what you need to do to self-soothe and regulate.
For example, taking some deep breaths, introducing some movement into your body or attending to your five senses and allowing them to engage with your immediate environment in a way that invites more comfort. 

A Fire that Warms

As this process becomes familiar, we become more precise in how we feel, which in turn can lead to more effective communication with those around us. Better yet, we may be able to express our anger with nuance, gentleness and respect. 

At Strathearn Psychology we have an excellent team of psychologists willing to address challenging emotions like anger and to support the health of your relationships.